"What worries you, masters you." - John Locke
From the outside, I may seem like a tough person to shake but it took a lot of work to seem that way.
It still takes work. If I'm focused on something or someone, I can put all of my worries in solitary confinement, completely out of mind temporarily. If I'm feeling good, I'm flying first class and my worries are in coach. I'm in the cafe car; my worries are in the quiet car. I'm driving and my worries are in the trunk.
Right now, as I type, I'm creating metaphors and my worries are planning sabotage.
Those of you that know me well may have seen me in moments of panic.
Lately, anxiety is like a shark circling my boat waiting for me to dip my feet in.
I'm still not self aware enough to see what attracts the shark. So, I ignorantly dip my feet in and get attacked.
'Attacked' is a heavy word to describe something that in retrospect can seem ridiculously petty.
Is he mad at me?
Did I offend her?
Am I making enough money for a 37 year old?
Would we be better friends if I had made different choices?
Have I been clear enough about how much I love them?
Am I a shitty person for not being there this time?
The questions pile. My emotions spike. I run and I don't want anyone in my way.
Despite having an incredible support system, I hide. In hiding the questions continue to pile. The worry grows often insurmountable. The sabotage snowballs.
Plans canceled. Emails and phone calls avoided. Scheduling gets sloppy. Work procrastinated.
While I know I'm not alone in these neurotic examinations, I wonder if I'm more aware of my anxiety because I'm learning more about myself or if it's getting worse as I get older.
I have Paula (my wonderful girlfriend) to thank for helping me observe my own patterns of anxiety. I've never met a person who is so committed to reflection and self improvement.
Watching her reflect and grow has impacted me immensely.
She's helped me discover patterns in my own mental and emotional behavior that I'm not sure I would have ever seen on my own. I'm also not sure if anyone else could have helped me like she has.
She has set such a high bar for emotional reflection that it's like our relationship is a master class in self discovery.
Being anxiety riddled isn't easy and it isn't awesome.
The silver lining is that talking about it makes me feel better.
It makes me feel better to be honest with people. It makes me feel better to know that sharing this may connect with others that deal with anxiety.
As I explore the causes and remedies for my anxiety, I invite any of you to talk to me about your anxiety. I'll watch for sharks when you dip your feet in.
