"What worries you, masters you." - John Locke
From the outside, I may seem like a tough person to shake but it took a lot of work to seem that way.
It still takes work. If I'm focused on something or someone, I can put all of my worries in solitary confinement, completely out of mind temporarily. If I'm feeling good, I'm flying first class and my worries are in coach. I'm in the cafe car; my worries are in the quiet car. I'm driving and my worries are in the trunk.
Right now, as I type, I'm creating metaphors and my worries are planning sabotage.
Those of you that know me well may have seen me in moments of panic.
Lately, anxiety is like a shark circling my boat waiting for me to dip my feet in.
I'm still not self aware enough to see what attracts the shark. So, I ignorantly dip my feet in and get attacked.
'Attacked' is a heavy word to describe something that in retrospect can seem ridiculously petty.
Is he mad at me?
Did I offend her?
Am I making enough money for a 37 year old?
Would we be better friends if I had made different choices?
Have I been clear enough about how much I love them?
Am I a shitty person for not being there this time?
The questions pile. My emotions spike. I run and I don't want anyone in my way.
Despite having an incredible support system, I hide. In hiding the questions continue to pile. The worry grows often insurmountable. The sabotage snowballs.
Plans canceled. Emails and phone calls avoided. Scheduling gets sloppy. Work procrastinated.
While I know I'm not alone in these neurotic examinations, I wonder if I'm more aware of my anxiety because I'm learning more about myself or if it's getting worse as I get older.
I have Paula (my wonderful girlfriend) to thank for helping me observe my own patterns of anxiety. I've never met a person who is so committed to reflection and self improvement.
Watching her reflect and grow has impacted me immensely.
She's helped me discover patterns in my own mental and emotional behavior that I'm not sure I would have ever seen on my own. I'm also not sure if anyone else could have helped me like she has.
She has set such a high bar for emotional reflection that it's like our relationship is a master class in self discovery.
Being anxiety riddled isn't easy and it isn't awesome.
The silver lining is that talking about it makes me feel better.
It makes me feel better to be honest with people. It makes me feel better to know that sharing this may connect with others that deal with anxiety.
As I explore the causes and remedies for my anxiety, I invite any of you to talk to me about your anxiety. I'll watch for sharks when you dip your feet in.
I am not sure I have the words. Should we start a Sunday group of all of us who have anxiety that can be crippling to the point of physical symptoms. I had terrible anxiety driving and everytime I drove to Boston 2 to 3 times a week k would think it was my last time seeing my kids. Did I leave them enough guidance, support, love. Will my friends know I cared. Will anybody even really care if I died? Every time I drove it go worse but I believe in pushing head strong through. When I stopped driving there my anxiety now rears it's ugly head locally. I refuse meds, use meditation to breathe through it. I try to find the why? Reality is there is no logical why. It just rears it's ugly head and all the psychologists and groups say the same thing. "You are so self aware, that is so wonderful!" The more self aware I get the more I judge my anxiety. I am an idiot, you are not dying, you believe you are here for a reason be the good the healer and the laughter for folks. Being self aware and knowing my triggers is great accept it makes it worse because I judge myself.
ReplyDeleteI am working at pure living acceptance that I am a little anxious. That I can get loud if I'm nervous or excited. Accept that on stage during Improv sometimes I try to get on stage to fix my last mistakes not make a better scene. My awareness had made me hyper critical of my anxiety and inperfections.
In the end we are all imperfect people living in a society that seeks tons of different definitions of perfection. When in the end we should all learn to accept each others imperfections as perfectly beautiful.
I think the hardest thing for me about money-related things is that I have been intentionally putting myself in places of stress because it 1. mirrors the stress I grew up with and 2. reinforces the idea that I'm not worthy of care. 3. Helps me to avoid the fact that I was not taken care of by those who were both supposed to care about me and said they did. #3 is the hardest part. Recognizing that what I thought was care growing up was really not- that it's not a luxury to be well-provided for. I still struggle with and against this idea and self-sabotage because of it.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely. I feel like I am in crisis mode right now. My new job causes me crippling anxiety and is stressing me out more than anything should. I just feel like I'm failing.
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