DJBThereForYou

If you open yourself to the world, the world will open itself to you.

I truly, truly believe that. While talking with a close friend, he made me realize that this belief is underlying in almost everything that I do.

A couple of years ago (and well before this realization), I created a DJBThereForYou Twitter handle and Facebook page. I wanted to put myself out there for people on a more accessible level. I love to help people. All people. Not just the people I know and love but also the people who are out there alone. The people who are dealing with the things I have been through. Depression. Bullying. Failure. Lost love. Anxiety. Illness. Financial Despair. Addiction. Death. Abuse. I've seen all of those things in my life and they're not fun. I know from experience that these conditions can lead to hopelessness, fear and loneliness. You can feel trapped for days, weeks, months, sometimes years. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. So, I hoped that DJBThereForYou would put more light out there.

For myself, I've been the boat and I've been the anchor. I'll explain because that's a weird thing to say otherwise.There are times when I'm cruising and the water is at my mercy. Killing it. Feeling good. There are times when I'm literally holding myself in the same spot motionless, without progress, seemingly without hope. Stuck in the bottom. Feeling like the bottom is where you belong.

We all want to be the captain of our ship but, sometimes, it's hard to captain your own ship. If you're reading this, you're probably aware that the last month hasn't been easy for me. Because I was the anchor, I couldn't be the captain. Without a first mate or a crew, my boat was barely floating. But when you're underwater, you can't see what's above the surface.

We need a crew on our boat. Life is an ocean not a lazy river.

If you open yourself to the world, the world will show you your crew.
Sometimes it's hard to know who was willing to join you all along. I've been really lucky. My boat is never going to sink because I have the best crew. In my darker days, I forget that. Then, my crew pulls me in, talks me up and reminds me who I am. Knowing how it feels to have a crew is motivation enough for me to volunteer to be on your ship. Knowing what you can accomplish with a crew is inspiration enough to put myself out there in everything that I do.

So many of you have helped me sail. So many more of you have offered to. When you're the anchor, I want to pull you back into the boat. I want you to see the crew who is happy to work hard so your boat sails. They're there. They're there for you.

I'm there for you, captain. You've got this.

@DJBThereForYou

Realizations About My Sister On Her 35th Birthday

I have not been the best older brother I can be.

I'm often distant, I'm often selfish and I spent a lot of my life resenting how different we were.

Here are some of the things that took me a long time to realize:

*You taught me how to be tough. Goddamn, if not for you I'd be the most coddled, pansy, momma's boy. I'm eternally grateful for having to compete with you growing up. You kept me on my game.

Your competitive spirit and natural athleticism forced me to work harder and run faster. 

*You are unapologetically you. I wish I could be like that as often as you are. It's incredible. You don't give a fuck and it's why people respect, love and admire you. If you could bottle and sell that attitude, that way of living, you'd be a trillionaire. It's gold. Never change that. Send me some of that. 

*You are one of the most loyal people I have ever met. Like "Where is he? I'm going to kick his ass!" loyal. You love hard and you fight harder. I learned how to do those things watching you. 

I feel completely untouchable when I'm around you. It's not that I don't feel like I can't stand up for myself, it's more I don't have to. My sister is an assassin. Good luck not getting your arms broken.

*Some of my best stories are about you. Some of them are flattering and some of them, not so much. (We were kids, right?) Regardless, you're the main character and my friends love to hear about you. 

*In many ways, you are better than me. My 17 year old self would murder me if he heard me say that. At least I'd be dying telling the truth. Even in your struggles, you get after it. I know a lot of people who couldn't deal with the things you've dealt with. You shrug off the impossible like it's no big deal.

*You are hilarious. I watch a lot of comedy. Arguably, way too much. You are one of the few people that just gets me. You hit on what I think is funny so quickly. I envy that. You're a natural performer and storyteller and when you speak, people listen. I'm thankful you don't pursue comedy because you'd be better than me at that, too. 

*I admire the hell out of you. You're independent. You're strong. You speak your mind. You're really a beautiful person and I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you that. 

*20 years ago this would be a list of grievances that would seem endless. Today, I could go on and on about how happy I am that we're family. Happy birthday, Erin. Thank you for never killing me in my sleep. I love you.

I Hate Myself For Writing This

...I overshare.

DJB = TMI. 

It's a blessing and a curse.

When I'm doing well, it's a blessing. When I'm not doing well, it's a curse.

People assume I'm not doing as well as I say I am when I say I am.

So, when I'm telling people I'm not doing well, it feels like they assume I'm doing much worse than that too.

Here's the deal: I'm not doing well. 

I am shoulder deep in the darkest depression of my life.

It's a strange depression because this one has shown up as rage. I feel an inner rage that I've never felt in my life. I can't trace it to one event so I can't justify it. 

Sometimes it makes sense to me. Sometimes it doesn't.

What doesn't make sense:

I have the best girlfriend I could ask for. She's selfless and unconditionally supportive. 

I'm doing more comedy than I've ever done. Writing more. Performing more. Teaching more.
I'm exploring avenues of teaching wellness & confidence through comedy. I'm making new connections. I'm taking some great personal steps toward my own goals on my terms.

My friends are incredible. They're the fucking best. I'm spoiled rotten with some of the best people on earth. 

What makes sense:

First off, money is, well money isn't.

I constantly struggle with money. Constantly. I owe the government money, I owe friends money, I owe my girlfriend money, I owe my mom money. People, please stop lending me money. 

I'm an insomniac. I don't get enough sleep, let alone consistent sleep at consistent times.

I don't eat healthy. It's one of many ways I don't take very good care of myself. Some days I'll realize I've gone all day without eating a full meal. It's not that I can't eat or don't want to. It's the lack of a regular routine.

My sinuses get worse every year. I have wanted to tear the front of my face off every day since the end of March. If I had a normal routine or any sort of day to day discipline, I'd be neti potting more often and taking decongestants on the reg.

I don't have a routine. I'm at the same time the most precisely motivated person I know and the laziest, most self indulgent piece of absolute dog shit. 

I want to stay the path that I'm on. But I'd love to be able to travel and buy a house or even maybe just save money instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I keep feeling like I need to sell out and use the resume I don't care about to make sure I can make real people money to support the career that I do care about. Comedy & entertainment & wellness. That's what I'm good at. That's where I can make the most difference in the world. I care about people.

Here's why I hate myself for writing this:

I feel like a giant hypocrite. How can this advocate for wellness and confidence be so down on himself? Well, I wish I had that answer. The only thing I can say is; I'm human. Very human.

It's so much easier to help others than it is to help yourself. Take my own advice? YAY! Problems solved! (falls down stairs, loses wallet, pisses off girlfriend, eats a dick during an audition)

Sometimes, I don't want advice. I don't want help. I don't want feedback. I just want to be alone.

I want to scream. I feel dead inside. While I know that this is all temporary, I want to find answers myself. 

I would love to be the confident muppet that shows up 85% of the time ALL OF THE TIME.

I'm just not. I share because I'm real. Maybe it's because I lack healthy boundaries. Maybe it's because I hope that you see how weak I can be sometimes and it inspires you to be comfortable with your own weaknesses. 

People keep telling me that Mercury is in retrograde. I'd love to take more accountability than that. I'm not going to scapegoat a sad excuse for a planet. What's wrong, Mercury? Worried you'll have the same fate as Pluto? 

Will I be OK?

In time, yes. Allow me my sullen time to process my garbage thoughts and get my pathetic act together. Do I love you? Yes, always. Do I want your help? In time, maybe. 

Do you think this is funny? 

Yeah, I laugh at my own pain. Join me. 

On Giving Up

I can't tell you how often I approach giving up.

Well, I can. Or, I'll try. It's pretty often.

I think about quitting comedy often. 

It's not about whether or not I'm good enough. At times, I'm confident. 

In the past, I'd consider giving up because of the judgmental onslaught from comedians who treated me like a lesser than or an unwanted outsider. Or because I couldn't understand why a comedian I admired so much could be so mercilessly cruel. Or because even though I felt so good about comedy, I'd often leave shows feeling not so good. 

In the now (and maybe I'm paranoid) I'm worried about being taken out of context, misunderstood or about people laughing for the wrong reasons. I'm worried about saying something onstage that corruptively defines me offstage. I'm worried about the outrage culture and that I'll be the next comedian in the oversensitive crosshairs who is publicly shamed for making a joke that has been taken out of its appropriate context. I'm worried that because of THAT worry that I'll never be able to be truly creative, loose onstage or innovative. I'm worried that even though I stand strong behind the first amendment, I betray my fellow comedians when I say that I believe we should be held accountable for what we say onstage. (to a degree) I'm worried that I don't know what that degree is.

I'm worried things are becoming less and less funny as a result.

I'm not going to give up comedy. I know that because I'm so aware of these worries, that I'm likely doing more than my due diligence to be a thoughtful writer who seeks to connect with his audiences. 

I know that I think too much about these things which is likely better than too little. 

I think about giving up on people. 

Some of the closest people in my life have a tendency to make me feel worse about myself. Or just feel worse in general. 

This isn't an indictment of those people. More, the opposite. I want to manage how I feel about myself independent of outside influence. It's extremely difficult. Somehow, my initial reaction to almost everything is to take it personally. To make it about me. More often than not, it has nothing to do with me or less to do with me than my emotions might imply. 

One of the most challenging things about this is the assumption that I'm a confident and strong person. I play that guy really well. I'm pretty good at it. The reality is, it's way more complicated than that. I'm sensitive. I'm not a very good listener. I want people to like me. I'm way more introverted than I can possibly explain. While, it might seem like I'm fishing for compliments, I'm actually exposing myself. (not like that; what a twist that would be) I want to be there for people because, deep down, I want people to be there for me. It feels good. I don't need people to be there for me but it's nice. I think about it. I don't give to get, in fact, people who do that drive me crazy. No one owes me anything. I'm trying to find a balance between providing service to as many people as I can and drawing healthy boundaries so I can effectively understand where the world starts and I end. 

I'm not going to give up on people. Helping people is an infinite joy. When I feel frustrated, I double down on helping people. It makes me feel good, it makes people feel good. It's win-finity.

I think about giving up on sharing these things.

I worry it's whiny. I worry that it's self indulgent. I worry that it comes off more egotistical and less helpful. I expose my process hoping that others go through the same.

I'm not going to give up sharing these things. If one person is inspired by this or can relate, it's worth it every time.

I know how painful it is to give up and how painful it is when a job, or a team or a person gives up on you. In the past year, I've had all of those things give up on me. The hardest part is not giving in to the giving up. It's hard to motivate after you work really hard for something and you fail.

It's shameful (but brutally honest) to admit that when I'm telling you not to give up, I'm telling me too. I love you guys. Don't give up.