On Fear and Understanding

I'm afraid to write this.

My biggest fear is losing someone before they know how I feel about them. I want to effectively and consistently communicate love to the people in my life. I'm afraid I don't do that enough.

I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of my words being taken out of context and used against me. I'm afraid of being seen as righteous when I really, genuinely want to connect with people. I'm afraid the people I want to connect with will be gone before I have the opportunity to tell them how I feel about them.

Fear locks me up more often than I'd like to admit. That terrifies me because many people see me as someone who is not afraid. As such, I suspect fear locks everyone up. It's a trap. A prison. It's an extension of our inner critic enabled by outside factors. Strengthened by outside factors. It limits our ability to think clearly, let alone for ourselves.

To admit you're afraid is one of the hardest things to do. Yet, we're all afraid. It's one of the very few things we all have in common. Fear manifests itself in anger, sadness, controlling behavior, judgment, ignorance and bullying. Whenever I feel rage or hate, I eventually realize it's because I don't understand something. More often than not, my emotions get in the way of that realization.
In most cases, hatred is the easiest way to cement our refusal of understanding. It's erosive.
It's an ignorance crutch.

For me, understanding fear takes time. It's often a while before I even realize I'm afraid of something.

Over the past ten years, I've watched hundreds of people approach fear and conquer it in my stand up comedy classes. These people have represented different ages, races, abilities, religions and parts of the world. In the first class of each session, the students discuss their fears. At the student showcase at the end of the session, they experience jubilation, the result of a fear conquered. Watching my students grow is possibly the most inspiring thing that I do. Watching people grow comfortable with their fear, step into it, then defeat it, never gets old. It's an inspiration machine. We all have access to that machine. We can all unlock it.

Our inner critic is an asshole. He makes us fear choices that have almost zero consequence. Ride the roller coaster? No! Ask her out? Terrified! Tell a story on stage? Fuck that. Barring potential medical excuses, your inner critic is manipulating you to have less fun. Your inner critic stockpiles reasons to believe you can't do things. Those reasons are all rooted in fear. When we believe those reasons, fear becomes an end.

We just need to believe that fear isn't an end. Fear is a beginning.

Fear is the beginning to understanding. It's the beginning to new relationships and the repair to old ones. Fear is the beginning of new opportunities and the release of opportunities that have passed us by. Fear is the beginning of saying you're sorry and the onset of forgiveness. Fear is the beginning of changing your mind and the openness to being OK with that. Fear is the beginning to loving yourself and the acceptance that everyone else may not. Fear is not going away. It's the bouncer at this bar called life. When fear asks for your ID, look it in the eye, show your ID, smile and walk into the bar. Fear is part of the system. When I accept fear, I sink deeper into my own humanity. Fear is as much a part of me as my skin. I can't shake it. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning to work with it.

I enjoy being in the bar. Let me buy you a beer.

I'm afraid I have a drinking problem.

I love you guys.