On Giving Up

I can't tell you how often I approach giving up.

Well, I can. Or, I'll try. It's pretty often.

I think about quitting comedy often. 

It's not about whether or not I'm good enough. At times, I'm confident. 

In the past, I'd consider giving up because of the judgmental onslaught from comedians who treated me like a lesser than or an unwanted outsider. Or because I couldn't understand why a comedian I admired so much could be so mercilessly cruel. Or because even though I felt so good about comedy, I'd often leave shows feeling not so good. 

In the now (and maybe I'm paranoid) I'm worried about being taken out of context, misunderstood or about people laughing for the wrong reasons. I'm worried about saying something onstage that corruptively defines me offstage. I'm worried about the outrage culture and that I'll be the next comedian in the oversensitive crosshairs who is publicly shamed for making a joke that has been taken out of its appropriate context. I'm worried that because of THAT worry that I'll never be able to be truly creative, loose onstage or innovative. I'm worried that even though I stand strong behind the first amendment, I betray my fellow comedians when I say that I believe we should be held accountable for what we say onstage. (to a degree) I'm worried that I don't know what that degree is.

I'm worried things are becoming less and less funny as a result.

I'm not going to give up comedy. I know that because I'm so aware of these worries, that I'm likely doing more than my due diligence to be a thoughtful writer who seeks to connect with his audiences. 

I know that I think too much about these things which is likely better than too little. 

I think about giving up on people. 

Some of the closest people in my life have a tendency to make me feel worse about myself. Or just feel worse in general. 

This isn't an indictment of those people. More, the opposite. I want to manage how I feel about myself independent of outside influence. It's extremely difficult. Somehow, my initial reaction to almost everything is to take it personally. To make it about me. More often than not, it has nothing to do with me or less to do with me than my emotions might imply. 

One of the most challenging things about this is the assumption that I'm a confident and strong person. I play that guy really well. I'm pretty good at it. The reality is, it's way more complicated than that. I'm sensitive. I'm not a very good listener. I want people to like me. I'm way more introverted than I can possibly explain. While, it might seem like I'm fishing for compliments, I'm actually exposing myself. (not like that; what a twist that would be) I want to be there for people because, deep down, I want people to be there for me. It feels good. I don't need people to be there for me but it's nice. I think about it. I don't give to get, in fact, people who do that drive me crazy. No one owes me anything. I'm trying to find a balance between providing service to as many people as I can and drawing healthy boundaries so I can effectively understand where the world starts and I end. 

I'm not going to give up on people. Helping people is an infinite joy. When I feel frustrated, I double down on helping people. It makes me feel good, it makes people feel good. It's win-finity.

I think about giving up on sharing these things.

I worry it's whiny. I worry that it's self indulgent. I worry that it comes off more egotistical and less helpful. I expose my process hoping that others go through the same.

I'm not going to give up sharing these things. If one person is inspired by this or can relate, it's worth it every time.

I know how painful it is to give up and how painful it is when a job, or a team or a person gives up on you. In the past year, I've had all of those things give up on me. The hardest part is not giving in to the giving up. It's hard to motivate after you work really hard for something and you fail.

It's shameful (but brutally honest) to admit that when I'm telling you not to give up, I'm telling me too. I love you guys. Don't give up.