I Hate Myself For Writing This

...I overshare.

DJB = TMI. 

It's a blessing and a curse.

When I'm doing well, it's a blessing. When I'm not doing well, it's a curse.

People assume I'm not doing as well as I say I am when I say I am.

So, when I'm telling people I'm not doing well, it feels like they assume I'm doing much worse than that too.

Here's the deal: I'm not doing well. 

I am shoulder deep in the darkest depression of my life.

It's a strange depression because this one has shown up as rage. I feel an inner rage that I've never felt in my life. I can't trace it to one event so I can't justify it. 

Sometimes it makes sense to me. Sometimes it doesn't.

What doesn't make sense:

I have the best girlfriend I could ask for. She's selfless and unconditionally supportive. 

I'm doing more comedy than I've ever done. Writing more. Performing more. Teaching more.
I'm exploring avenues of teaching wellness & confidence through comedy. I'm making new connections. I'm taking some great personal steps toward my own goals on my terms.

My friends are incredible. They're the fucking best. I'm spoiled rotten with some of the best people on earth. 

What makes sense:

First off, money is, well money isn't.

I constantly struggle with money. Constantly. I owe the government money, I owe friends money, I owe my girlfriend money, I owe my mom money. People, please stop lending me money. 

I'm an insomniac. I don't get enough sleep, let alone consistent sleep at consistent times.

I don't eat healthy. It's one of many ways I don't take very good care of myself. Some days I'll realize I've gone all day without eating a full meal. It's not that I can't eat or don't want to. It's the lack of a regular routine.

My sinuses get worse every year. I have wanted to tear the front of my face off every day since the end of March. If I had a normal routine or any sort of day to day discipline, I'd be neti potting more often and taking decongestants on the reg.

I don't have a routine. I'm at the same time the most precisely motivated person I know and the laziest, most self indulgent piece of absolute dog shit. 

I want to stay the path that I'm on. But I'd love to be able to travel and buy a house or even maybe just save money instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I keep feeling like I need to sell out and use the resume I don't care about to make sure I can make real people money to support the career that I do care about. Comedy & entertainment & wellness. That's what I'm good at. That's where I can make the most difference in the world. I care about people.

Here's why I hate myself for writing this:

I feel like a giant hypocrite. How can this advocate for wellness and confidence be so down on himself? Well, I wish I had that answer. The only thing I can say is; I'm human. Very human.

It's so much easier to help others than it is to help yourself. Take my own advice? YAY! Problems solved! (falls down stairs, loses wallet, pisses off girlfriend, eats a dick during an audition)

Sometimes, I don't want advice. I don't want help. I don't want feedback. I just want to be alone.

I want to scream. I feel dead inside. While I know that this is all temporary, I want to find answers myself. 

I would love to be the confident muppet that shows up 85% of the time ALL OF THE TIME.

I'm just not. I share because I'm real. Maybe it's because I lack healthy boundaries. Maybe it's because I hope that you see how weak I can be sometimes and it inspires you to be comfortable with your own weaknesses. 

People keep telling me that Mercury is in retrograde. I'd love to take more accountability than that. I'm not going to scapegoat a sad excuse for a planet. What's wrong, Mercury? Worried you'll have the same fate as Pluto? 

Will I be OK?

In time, yes. Allow me my sullen time to process my garbage thoughts and get my pathetic act together. Do I love you? Yes, always. Do I want your help? In time, maybe. 

Do you think this is funny? 

Yeah, I laugh at my own pain. Join me.